Dear novel #1: novel as bong-smoking teenager

Dear novel,In every parent’s life there comes the time when their offspring have to go and … oh, WHATEVER! Basically, it’s time for you to go, so deal with it. We can’t have you sulking around here forever. You don’t exactly contribute. Besides, the coffee and whiskey bills are getting out of hand.I’ve done my best for you. Now I’ve packed your bags. And if you’re back too soon, you’ll be bunking in the bottom drawer, pal.I’m renting out your old space to a best-selling chic-lit romance manuscript: she actually pays her rent.Yours,Your mother.